Many of us have encountered perfectionism, either in ourselves or in those around us. It can be an invisible weight, pushing us to achieve impossible standards and quietly undermining our sense of worth. Whether you’re a lifelong perfectionist or simply curious about the concept, it’s helpful to understand what perfectionism is, how it shows up, where it comes from, and how we can learn to deal with it compassionately.
What Is Perfectionism?
At its core, perfectionism is a mindset that sets impossibly high standards and refuses to accept anything less. Perfectionists often feel that their efforts are never quite good enough, and this can apply not only to themselves but also to others around them.Though perfectionism itself isn’t classified as a mental health disorder, it often goes hand-in-hand with challenges such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, OCD, and even burnout. It’s not just about wanting to do well, it’s about feeling like anything less than perfect is failure.
How Does Perfectionism Feel?
If you’re a perfectionist, you might recognise some of these patterns:
* Constantly feeling like you’re falling short
* Procrastinating out of fear you won’t do something perfectly
* Struggling to relax or open up emotionally
* Being highly critical, of yourself and others
* Feeling obsessed with structure and order, or on the flip side, shutting down entirely
Perfectionists often operate from a fixed mindset, believing that talents are innate and unchangeable. They value outcomes over growth, and tend to view things in extremes: success or failure, good or bad, with little room for nuance.
Perfectionism and Anxiety: A Tangled Web
The relationship between perfectionism and anxiety is complex and deeply intertwined. Many people with anxiety exhibit perfectionist traits, and vice versa. When expectations aren’t met, the result can be a flood of self-doubt, worry, and negative self-talk. Over time, this loop becomes exhausting and emotionally draining.
The Many Faces of Perfectionism
Not all perfectionists are alike. Some strive for excellence and push themselves (and others) to reach high standards. Others are driven by fear, obsessed with avoiding failure and terrified of disappointing others.
Psychologists often distinguish between:
Perfectionistic concerns: marked by fear of mistakes, critical self-evaluation, and emotional distress.
Perfectionistic strivings: characterised by setting high personal goals in a healthy, motivated way.
While the former is usually linked to stress and poor mental health, the latter can actually lead to better outcomes and personal satisfaction—when kept in balance.
Perfectionism in the Workplace
In professional settings, perfectionism is a double-edged sword. It can drive people to work hard, stay engaged, and go above and beyond. But it also brings higher risks of burnout, workaholism, and mental health struggles. Constantly trying to “prove your worth” can eventually take its toll.
Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
Perfectionism often has deep roots. Many perfectionists grew up in households where success was overvalued and mistakes were met with disappointment or punishment. Whether it’s from overly critical parents, pressure to live up to siblings’ achievements, or the need for control in a chaotic home, the message is the same: your worth depends on your performance.
But it’s not just about parenting. Schools, peer groups, and broader cultural messages also play a powerful role. Environments that focus solely on results, like test scores or awards, can reinforce the idea that being “good enough” just isn’t enough.
Living With (and Soothing) Perfectionism
Living with perfectionism means navigating a constant internal tug-of-war. You might hesitate to try new things unless you’re sure you’ll succeed. You might find it hard to trust others to meet your standards, or feel emotionally disconnected and overly self-reliant. You might care a lot, too much, about what people think of you.
Working through perfectionism starts with self-awareness. Gentle, curious questions can help you uncover the origins of these beliefs:
* Where do these expectations come from?
* Do you feel this way in every part of your life, or just some?
* Can you recall when these thoughts first began?
From there, you can begin to challenge perfectionistic thinking:
* What would it feel like to be a beginner?
* What if “good enough” really was good enough?
* What happens if someone else handles it, even if they do it differently?
Modeling imperfection can be surprisingly powerful. When we allow ourselves, and others, to make mistakes, to experiment, and to be human, we create space for growth, connection, and real joy.
In a world that often praises perfection, embracing “good enough” can feel radical. But it’s also liberating. Understanding perfectionism is the first step toward loosening its grip and learning to value ourselves not just for what we achieve, but for who we are.
Source:
Exploring and addressing perfectionism: Amy Launder https://counsellorcpd.com/courses/exploring-and-addressing-perfectionism/
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