Attachment usually begins in your very early childhood. It is an innate, biologically driven process that leads you, as an infant, to form strong bonds with the people who care for you. When you were very young, experiences of illness, threat, or exhaustion would naturally have triggered your need for comfort and protection. Ideally, a consistent caregiver would respond to those needs, helping you feel safe enough to then explore, play, and engage with the world.
Over time, these early relational experiences can shape the ways you relate to others. Your attachment style may develop as secure, or as one of several insecure patterns (organised or disorganised). These patterns are not fixed in stone, but they can feel familiar and self-reinforcing, often showing up in adult relationships, especially in moments of stress or vulnerability.
Early observations in animals helped shape what we now know about attachment. You might think of Konrad Lorenz’s work on imprinting, where newly hatched goslings followed the first moving figure they saw. This helped inspire John Bowlby’s attachment theory, developed further at the Tavistock Centre in London, where the focus was on understanding how early relationships influence emotional development and wellbeing.
Bowlby suggested that when you experience consistent, responsive care early in life, you are more likely to develop a sense of safety in yourself and in others. This can support emotional regulation and the ability to trust relationships later in life.
In the 1950s, Harry Harlow’s research with baby monkeys highlighted something important: comfort and emotional safety can matter deeply, sometimes even more than physical needs like food. He called this “contact comfort,” showing how powerful emotional connection can be in times of distress.
Later, Mary Ainsworth’s “strange situation” studies helped identify different attachment responses. When you feel securely attached, you’re more likely to seek comfort from a caregiver when distressed, then return to exploration once you feel safe again. In insecure attachment patterns, responses can look different, often shaped by early experiences of inconsistency, unpredictability, or fear.
In the 1980s, researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon identified disorganised attachment, often linked with frightening or chaotic caregiving environments. In these situations, you may experience a deep internal conflict: the person you seek comfort from may also be the source of fear. This can create confusion, emotional overwhelm, and difficulty in understanding safety in relationships.
As you move through life, your attachment system continues to operate. When you feel safe, you are more able to explore, connect, and regulate emotions. When you feel threatened or overwhelmed, you may automatically move towards protective strategies learned earlier in life.
In secure attachment, you may find it easier to express feelings, trust others, and recover from relational stress. In avoidant patterns, you might notice a tendency to minimise needs, withdraw, or rely heavily on yourself, especially when emotional closeness feels unsafe. In anxious or ambivalent patterns, you may feel a strong need for closeness alongside fear of rejection, which can create emotional intensity in relationships. In disorganised patterns, you may experience a mix of conflicting responses, especially under stress, where connection and fear can become entangled.
Attachment styles in the general population
Research suggests that attachment patterns are widely distributed across the population, with secure attachment being the most common. Estimates vary slightly between studies and countries, but a broadly accepted breakdown in the UK population is:
- Secure attachment: around 55% of the population
- Avoidant attachment: around 23% of the population
- Anxious/ambivalent attachment: around 8% of the population
- Disorganised attachment: around 15% of the population
In some comparative data from Spain (2023), similar patterns are reported among young people:
- Secure attachment: approximately 47%
- Avoidant attachment: approximately 22%
- Anxious/ambivalent attachment: approximately 16%
- Disorganised attachment: approximately 15%
These figures suggest that while secure attachment is the most common, a significant proportion of people experience insecure attachment patterns. This means that many everyday relational difficulties—such as fear of rejection, emotional distance, or confusion in relationships—can often be understood through the lens of attachment rather than as isolated personal problems.
It is also important to hold these percentages lightly: attachment is not a fixed category, and individuals may move between patterns depending on life experiences, stress levels, and the quality of their relationships.
These patterns are not about blame or fault. They are adaptive responses that may have helped you survive earlier environments. They can also shift over time, especially when you experience relationships that feel consistent, safe, and emotionally attuned.
Mentalising
Mentalising is the ability to understand your own thoughts and feelings, and to make sense of the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others. It is essentially the capacity to “think about thinking” in yourself and in other people.
When mentalising is strong, you are able to pause and consider different perspectives in a situation rather than reacting automatically. For example, instead of assuming someone is being dismissive, you may be able to consider that they might be distracted, stressed, or struggling with something of their own. This helps reduce misunderstandings and supports more balanced emotional responses.
Mentalising tends to reduce when you are under stress or feeling emotionally overwhelmed. In those moments, you may become more reactive or certain in your interpretation of events, which can strain relationships.
Attachment experiences play an important role in developing mentalising capacity. Secure relationships in early life tend to support stronger emotional reflection skills, while insecure attachment patterns can make it harder to think clearly about feelings in high-emotion situations.
The good news is that mentalising can be developed over time, especially in relationships or therapeutic settings where thoughts and feelings are explored safely and reflected back in a thoughtful way.
Therapeutic relationships, supportive connections, and experiences of emotional safety can all help you develop new ways of relating. Over time, your brain can form new pathways that support trust, emotional regulation, and healthier connection. This is sometimes described as “re-parenting” or corrective emotional experience, where consistency and care help you build new internal models of safety.
You may also notice that under stress or in moments of trauma, you can temporarily return to earlier attachment patterns. This is a normal protective response, not a failure. It reflects your nervous system trying to find safety using familiar strategies.
Understanding your attachment patterns can help you make sense of your relationships, your emotional responses, and your needs. It can also support you in recognising what helps you feel safe, connected, and regulated.
If you have experienced early adversity or trauma, it may still shape how you respond in relationships today. But even if those experiences were many years ago, change is possible. With awareness, support, and safe relational experiences, you can gradually build greater emotional security and trust.
At the heart of attachment is connection. The more you understand your patterns, the more choice you may have in how you respond to others—and in how you relate to yourself.
Sources:
Chapman, E. (2021). Understanding and working with attachment styles [lecture]. Counsellor CPD. Counselling Tutor. [13/05/21].
Holmes, J. (2024). Applying attachment theory in counselling [lecture]. Counsellor CPD. Counselling Tutor. [12/04/24].
https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships