In this post we’re going to look at some issues related to being a woman in mid-life. A lot of women feel that they become gradually more invisible despite their being fundamental in our everyday lives. We’ll talk about the perimenopause, the menopause, empty nest syndrome (when adult children leave home), bereavement, divorce or separation, being a carer, being made unemployed and the difficulty getting new work, early retirement, and of course, a greater chance of illness. All of these experiences are potentially challenging for women. Humanistic counselling can provide therapeutic support to women who are going through these life changes.
Of course, all women in mid-life will go through the perimenopause (the time around menopause when your ovaries gradually stop working, a natural process that possibly causes physical and emotional symptoms) and the menopause (when periods finally stop). It usually occurs between the ages 45 and 55 in the UK, with the average age in the UK 51. In Spain, in 47% of cases, menopause occurs between the ages of 46 and 50, while 32% occur between the ages of 51 and 55.
Menopause affects every woman differently. Some women have no problems or just brief effects, but for others symptoms can last several years and even have an impact on day-to-day activities. However, it is a very personal journey for each woman and so this needs to be reflected if women seek counselling. Common symptoms can include:
- hot flushes
- night sweats
- reduced sex drive
- anxiety and depression
Some other possible symptoms are:
- becoming forgetful, distracted or unable to concentrate (brain fog)
- unpredictable emotions
- tiredness
- poor sleep
- skin conditions
- hair loss or thinning
- headaches or migraines
- recurring urinary tract infections
- vaginal dryness and pain during sex
- tinnitus
- catastrophising thoughts
- embarrassing day sweats
- palpitations
- joint pain or stiffness
- increased facial hair
- facial flushing
- food cravings
- weight gain
- more difficulty losing weight
- change in sense of physical self
- worry that you won’t get back to your old self
- worry that complaining is superficial
Emma Cullinan, of Kentish Town Counselling says that, “Not all women have hot flushes and the majority don’t suffer from depression. There are still unknowns regarding the mental effects of menopause. For instance, research has found no link between poor concentration and menopause, yet some women report one.”
She adds that counselling allows women a safe space to explore a range of issues affecting their mental health, of which the menopause may be one. “Menopause does affect feelings and its symptoms can contribute to feelings of sadness, anxiety and low self-esteem. But at this age women are juggling many things. They may be facing the end of a relationship, children could be leaving or returning home, or they may have an ill partner or parent. They may be challenged at work and face replacement by younger people or perhaps be in a dead-end job with nowhere to go. Therapy needs to explore what is at the root of any issues. It can offer tailored and wide-ranging help by addressing concerns in the context of culture, a person’s history and present, their family, relationships and how society regards ageing women – as well as menopausal symptoms.”
Here are some ways to help deal with the menopause:
- become a menopause expert, read, search and listen for information about it. And talk about it to other women and the world in general. It’s never going to go away, so we need to embrace it and live with it.
- use the signals your body and mind are giving you for positive change. See the menopause as a ‘second spring’ (as the Japanese call it) when you can reassess and set new goals focusing on your wellbeing and your values. If this is challenging, then take small steps, one objective at a time.
- increasing your self-care by, for instance, doing 3 things for yourself first thing in the morning, such as drinking hot water with lemon (omitting caffeine earlier helps to avoid triggering our fight or flight mode, helping to ground us), then having a protein-rich breakfast before finally enjoying some caffeine in a tea or coffee.
- add to your self-care by taking care of your intimate wellbeing. Learn about the changes in your vulva and how it needs to be taken care of. Consider hormone therapy or vulval moisturisers. Communicate with your partner about these changes and develop a new intimacy together. Some women find it’s a new sexual awakening as they learn to think more about their own needs and desires.
- change your attitude to difficulty sleeping. Don’t fight it. Notice what’s happening and be curious, rather than judging your body. Try to be kind to yourself rather than angry. Try breathing exercises, just noticing your breath, then your body and your breath again can help you to show some self-love (and help you to get off to sleep again!).
- think about a change in the exercise you need to do. Strength training is vital to avoid osteoporosis as we lose bone density due to loss of oestrogen. Simple things are viable: carrying shopping home, getting in and out of a chair 10 times in the morning and in the evening. Or find out about strength training on online videos.
- work on your self-esteem. One way is to have affirmations which reflect who you are, for instance, ‘I’m enough’, written on a post-it on the mirror in your bathroom.
Empty nest syndrome is what adults go through when their adult children leave home.
Social worker Amy Morin and Tony Cassidy, a professor of child and family health psychology at Ulster University, refer to a range of feelings that commonly accompany it:
• a sense of sadness
• loss
• grief
• depression
• loneliness
• distress
• anxiety
• fear
• a loss of purpose and meaning in life.
Commonly women have taken all or a larger part of the responsibility for child-raising, and so may be more likely to experience empty nest syndrome more acutely than a parent for whom caring for the child(ren) has been a smaller part of their work. McCann and McClatchey report that Cassidy ‘said mothers tended to be more likely to experience these emotions, while Morin reports that ‘the condition affects both men and women’.
Morin lists five key signs of empty nest syndrome:
• emotional distress – including sadness that the child has grown up, anger at yourself for not being more available to them in the past, anxiety about your own partner relationship, a fear of your own ageing, and frustration at not being where you thought you’d be at this life stage.
• a loss of purpose – as one chapter in life ends, and the hustle and bustle of family life comes to an end
• frustration over lack of control – as you are now much less able to know about or influence your adult child’s activities and movements
• anxiety about your children – now that they are out there in the big, wide world, without the parent always on-hand
• marital stress – as you may not be used to spending so much time with just your partner after all the years of having children present too, feeling that you are waking up next to a stranger rather than your husband, wife or partner. This can be caused by years of concentrating on what the family has needed, leaving little space or time for the two of you as a couple.
Counselling may well be useful for women, helping them to process these transitions. One way to deal with this is to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, and remember that emotions are not right or wrong. Rather, they are a reflection of the situation you’re facing. Fully experiencing uncomfortable emotions, for as long as it takes until they subside on their own, can actually help those feelings run their course and fade away more quickly. So, while the main work is likely to be processing the emotional distress that you are experiencing, the following ideas may also be helpful:
• If your children have not yet left home, you may like to start preparing now. This might involve planning to restart an old activity that you once greatly enjoyed (before you had children) or to start a new hobby, course or role. Reconnecting with friends could also be helpful.
• Focus on the achievement of having raised a child who is confident to leave and enter the outside world on their own. Morin writes: ‘Remember that your child is using the skills you have taught them to begin navigating their own life, and this is an exciting time for them. Try to have confidence in their ability to learn and thrive independently.’
• Look at the opportunities for growth and adventure, now that you have more time and energy to invest in yourself and your own choice of pursuits. Just as the child has begun a new chapter of their life – so you can do the same.
• If you have a partner, you may wish to focus on this relationship, communicating honestly about how you feel. It may be possible to rediscover ‘life after parenting as a time of creativity and renewed pleasure in each other’s company’.
• You will need to balance your desire to check in with your child with your child’s need for privacy and independence. It can help to make a plan for how you will maintain connection. For example, Morin suggests: ‘You might set up a weekly phone call, communicate frequently via text or email, or have a weekly dinner date if your child lives nearby.’
As we mentioned at the start, there may be other life transitions taking place at the same time as children becoming adults and leaving home or the menopause: retirement from paid work, and the loss of your own parents or caring for older relatives, divorce or separation, losing your job and finding it difficult to find suitable work, and, of course, ill health. This coinciding of multiple life changes has become more acute as women have become older before having their first child, and the average age for children leaving home has become higher. The difficulty with these other life changes is that it can be hard to recognise the number and range of factors contributing to the person’s loss of wellbeing, and to separate them out and find suitable approaches to help.
So, mid-life for adults has a lot of new challenges, and women often suffer further due to the menopause and more acutely from empty nest syndrome. What is clear is that we need to talk to each other more about these stages in life and learn how to take care of ourselves and each other better, and hopefully, move on more positively to our ‘second spring’. In my practice of humanistic therapy, whether online or outdoors, I can accompany you in your process of change.
Sources:
Counselling Tutor CPD Resource: Empty Nest Syndrome, 02/11/21 https://counsellorcpd.com/courses/ethical-practice/modules/practice/topic/empty-nest-syndrome/