Grief is a deep emotional response to losing someone or something important. It can feel overwhelming, confusing, and sometimes unpredictable. Although it is often linked to death, grief can also happen after many kinds of loss, including changes in identity, relationships, roles, health, or future expectations. There is no “right” way to grieve, and people move through it in different ways and at different times.
One of the most well-known early ideas was Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of grief, often described as DABDA: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model can help explain some common reactions, such as shock or emotional numbness (denial), anger at what has happened, attempts to change or reverse the situation (bargaining), deep sadness (depression), and eventually some form of adjustment (acceptance). However, this model is now understood as non-linear. People do not move neatly from one stage to another; instead, emotions can overlap, repeat, or appear in a different order depending on the person and situation.
Later theories developed a more flexible understanding of grief. Bowlby and Parkes’ attachment-based model describes grief as involving phases such as numbness (feeling unreal or detached), yearning (intense longing and emotional pain), disorganisation and despair (difficulty coping or finding meaning), and reorganisation (gradually rebuilding life and identity). This approach highlights how grief is closely linked to attachment: the stronger the emotional bond, the more intense the grief response may feel.
Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning offers another perspective, focusing on what a person may need to work through rather than stages they pass through. These include accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing and processing the pain, adjusting to life without the person or situation, and finding a continuing connection while still moving forward. This model supports the idea that grieving is an active, ongoing process rather than something that simply “happens” to you.
The Dual Process Model (Stroebe and Schut) adds further depth by showing that people naturally move between two modes: loss-oriented coping (feeling the emotional pain, missing the person, remembering the loss) and restoration-oriented coping (dealing with practical changes, adjusting roles, building a new routine, and engaging in life again). This “oscillation” is considered healthy and reflects how grief naturally shifts over time rather than following a straight path.
Types of grief experiences
Grief is not one single experience. It can appear in different forms depending on circumstances:
- Normal grief: sadness and distress that gradually becomes easier to live with over time
- Anticipatory grief: grief that begins before an expected loss (such as illness, separation, or life changes)
- Complicated grief: when grief feels stuck, prolonged, or intense in a way that makes it hard to function or adjust
- Secondary loss: additional losses that follow a bereavement, such as changes in finances, identity, relationships, or living situation
- Traumatic grief: grief combined with shock, fear, or distressing circumstances (such as sudden or unexpected death)
- Collective grief: shared grief experienced by groups or societies after major events
These different forms show that grief is not only emotional, but also psychological, social, and practical.
Some considerations when dealing with secondary grief and loss are:
- Being aware that crying and feeling the pain may seem a luxury when other issues such as loss of home, finances, or explaining what happened to the children take priority.
- Losing a partner can be a loss of identity and future. So when someone dies, we need to explore what we want to do with their lives now.
- Dealing with what we need to focus on first is important, rather than being forced to look at the primary loss.
- The primary loss will present itself when the secondary losses are dealt with. This is because we are remapping our lives and part of that is getting support (which can be from a therapist) so that we start to talk about the person who has died.
Attachment, identity, and grief
Attachment theory (Bowlby) suggests that early relationships influence how we respond to loss later in life. Attachment patterns such as secure, anxious, or avoidant styles may shape whether a person tends to seek support, struggle with emotional expression, or feel overwhelmed by separation. Grief can therefore also involve identity shifts, especially when a relationship or role was central to how a person understood themselves.
Some theories also describe how grief can affect a person’s sense of self and continuity. When a significant attachment is lost, it can feel as if part of the self is missing, requiring time and support to rebuild a sense of identity and connection.
A trauma-informed understanding
From a trauma-informed perspective, grief is not only emotional but also something that can affect the nervous system. In traumatic grief especially, the body may remain in a state of alarm, numbness, or shutdown, making it difficult to think clearly or feel grounded. This is why people may feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or stuck in distressing thoughts or sensations.
A key idea in trauma-informed work is that safety and regulation come before processing. It is not always helpful to “push through” grief emotionally without support, especially if the nervous system is overloaded. Instead, support often focuses on stabilisation, grounding, and gradually helping the person regain a sense of control and connection.
Practical ways of supporting yourself through grief can include:
- keeping gentle routines to provide structure
- staying connected to safe and supportive people
- allowing feelings to come and go without judgement
- pacing emotional processing rather than forcing it
- noticing physical needs such as sleep, food, and rest
- recognising that grief can come in waves rather than a steady flow
It can also help to understand that grief may activate survival responses such as emotional numbness, anxiety, or withdrawal. These are not signs of failure, but natural responses to overwhelm.
Moving forward
Grief does not mean forgetting. Many theories, including Worden’s, recognise that continuing bonds with what has been lost can be part of healthy adjustment. This might involve remembering, reflecting, or maintaining an inner sense of connection while also continuing with life in a changed way.
Healing in grief is often about integration rather than “getting over it”: learning how to hold both the loss and ongoing life at the same time.
Source:
Hughes, N. (2022). Preparing to work with loss and bereavement [lecture]. Counsellor CPD. Counselling Tutor. [29/05/2024].